IGM DUI

Intergalactic Memo


To: Everyone who indulges in adult beverages
Fr: A life-long tea-totaller (no, really)
Re: Drinking and driving


Well, the latest in a long and illustrious line of celebrities has been arrested for DUI. Sam Sheppard, a well-known and respected (including by me) actor, writer and, I believe, director, got caught in Normal Illinois doing 16 over the limit at 2 in the morning. Does it seem to you that Hollywood seems to get a bum rap when it comes to this peccadillo? Isn’t it just because they’re famous and their picture gets plastered all over the news and internet?
Well it’s not. The reason it seems that way, is because so many people in Hollywood (and the rest of the country) regularly drink alcohol. And the truth is, people who drink know they are going to be driving later (except you obviously, because you’d never do something like that . . .) and most of them don’t care, especially after they’ve been drinking a while. Now, I don’t drink and never have. So I’m just the none to point a finger or two at people who do, and then drive.
Case in point: I live in Las Vegas Nevada. Most people know that Vegas is a party town—that’s why people come here. And a good portion of the people who live here have high-stress jobs in the “gaming” and “hospitality” and “entertainment” industries, primarily because they have to deal with dill-weeds like you, who come here with the express purpose of being obnoxious in order to pay back all those homies who are obnoxious to you, at your job, and these locals drink too, as a way to deal with their own stress.
My brother and I did the math one day (which means we talked about it for three minutes, arrived at the same conclusions, and promptly declared the numbers statistically accurate) and realized that in Vegas, approximately 25% of everyone on the road at any given time, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, are legally impaired. One in four. It’s a crap-shoot just getting up in the morning. (Get it? Crap-shoot?)
Now some people take a philosophical attitude towards the entire situation, reminding us that alcoholism is a disease, that these people are sick and need help, and that criminalizing them is counter-productive. Of course, most people who drink are not alcoholics, so they don’t fall under that umbrella of ill-conceived pity. And disease-wise, someone with, say, tuberculosis, or HIV, or Hepatitis B don’t go out and kill other people as a result of their illness.
Have you ever wondered why, if law-enforcement was really serious about cracking down on DUI, they don’t park around the corner from all the bars and casinos and pubs and restaurants in town, then wait for people to pull out of the parking lot, and then test them? Someone comes out of a bar and gets into the driver’s seat of a vehicle, I’d say that was probable cause. The reason they don’t of course, is because there would be no room in the jails, and the police, the lawyers and the judges would be swamped beyond their capacities. And because a good majority of the police, lawyers and judges would be in the jails along with everybody else.
People who drink sometimes drive. Some of them drive routinely, and I’m sure some people wouldn’t think of driving unless they were good and drunk. It’s dangerous out there. No one admits it, but everybody does it. And they do it because they don’t feel impaired, and because it’s a huge inconvenience to plan ahead; find a designated driver, remember to call a cab . . . whatever. And once you’re high, all that stuff flies out the window of memory anyway. So what’s the answer to a nation of irresponsible drinkers deep in denial? Unfortunately it’s not more AA meetings, or therapists, or de-tox centers. The only thing that will work in this situation is to make you so terrified of the consequences that you aren’t willing to risk being caught. Period.
I’m calling for national regulations with mandatory sentences—no leeway.
First DUI: $10,000 fine and six months in jail.
Second DUI: $50,000 fine and five years in prison.
Third DUI: License revoked for life, another $50,000 fine and another five years in prison.

Anyone caught driving with a license suspended for DUI, has to move to Canada. Permanently.

If you are DUI and involved in an accident, your sentence is the same as the First DUI.
If you are DUI and involved in an accident with injuries, same as the second DUI.
If you are DUI and involved in an accident with one or more fatalities, same as the second DUI and you are tried for second-degree murder.


Harsh? You bet. But easily solved. Don’t drink and drive.
“Wait a minute! You can’t try someone for second-degree murder because someone was killed in an accident! It was an accident! They didn’t mean to do it!”
I disagree. Everyone who has ever been involved in an accident while under the influence, was sober when they started drinking. That means they were able to make decisions, knew right from wrong, and understood the possible consequences of their actions. Then they went to a restaurant and had a few beers with dinner and drove home—and killed somebody. They were sober when they got in the car. They were impaired when the left the restaurant, or bar, or casino, or Elks club—whatever. But they knew what they were doing when they started, and were not willing to be responsible and make sure they didn’t hurt someone while under the influence. There is no excuse, ever, for drinking and driving. There are too many other ways to die on America’s road without adding alcohol to the mix.
“Sure, easy for you to say—you don’t drink!” That’s right boys and girls. And that’s the point. I don’t drink. I never have. Not once. And I know lots of other people who don’t drink. But I don’t know anyone who drinks, who hasn’t gotten behind the wheel of an automobile while impaired—which is tantamount to saying “Gee! let’s see who we can kill today!”
Now, you want to talk about Jay-walking, or speeding a little on the Interstate, or taking a pencil home from work, or having inappropriate thoughts about you-know-who, or deciding not to give a buck to that guy on the corner, I’m just as guilty as anybody else. But when it comes to DUI . . . I’m clean.
(My wife says this was too “in your face” and mean. I think killing people because a person is lazy and selfish is a lot meaner.)