IGM Human Sexuality

Inter-Galactic Memo

FR: W. Leavitt—famed Human Sexuality Expert
To: Everyone who isn’t a famous HSE
RE: Human Sexuality . . . duh


Before we start, let me list my credentials and assure my reading public that as always, I will treat this subject with the utmost care, respect and appropriate circumspectness. Assuming that’s an actual word.

Credentials: I have been a licensed professional since 1970, which is when Nita and I married. For 38+ years I have maintained that status without having my license revoked or having to renew. I have read Masters and Johnson’s ground-breaking works; Human Sexuality and Human Sexual Response, the Kinsey Report, Shere Hite’s Hite Report: A National Study of Female Sexuality, and The Hite Report on Male Sexuality, The Kama Sutra, Nancy Friday’s Secret Garden, The joy of Sex by Alex Comfort, and several issues of Penthouse Variations. I have also written a substantial number of essay’s and opinions as part of my own on-going, not-for-publication series on sexual behavior.

Now then. Two stories only a day apart have come to my attention. The first is a report on a new study which indicates that 40% of adult women confess to sexual problems, mostly to do with libido. The second, found this morning in Google News, suggests a link between the burgeoning access to sexual images and behavior on television and teen pregnancy. I suppose everyone needs a hobby, and creating research projects and national polls about self-evident phenomenon is as good as any.
The first item, sexual problems for females, seems to have little merit. Unless the report reaches the other 60% who can then admit, in a fit of sisterly solidarity, that they too face challenges as part of being a human being. This would of course, be a wholly unexpected and explosive revelation.
We need to keep in mind in situations like these, that polls really don’t mean much. The major result of any poll is the gathering of information about people who are willing to participate in polls, without any criteria at all as to what might be true and accurate, or false and inaccurate. I know it may come as a shock to many of you layperson’s out there, (did you get that sly innuendo?) but people have been known to actually make things up when responding to polls.
In that spirit, let’s take a poll. Everyone for whom this 40% reporting problems is a surprise, raise your hands. See what I mean?


Womens bodies are endlessly complex (and endlessly fascinating). This complexity centers around child-bearing and all the changes which occur during the many phases from conception to breast feeding. Add the stresses of contemporary life, and it is a miracle so many of them avoid being institutionalized. Naturally, their main problem, around which all others revolve, is men. If I were a woman, and had to deal with me as a mate, I’d have problems too. Oops, have I said too much?
Most of the complaints –or concerns—have to do with lack of libido, lack of time, lack if interest and lack of strength. Many of these can be easily solved with increases of drugs and alcohol. The last one is easily fixed by engaging in more—and more strenuous—sex. And most men aren’t offended at all if women fake it. Really, we don’t mind.
Men, it is well known, are simpler creatures. They only have one problem, by and large (at least to which they will openly confess) and that is women. If women would just solve their main problem, men would have no complaints at all. Alas, things are never so simple.

The other report, that teenage pregnancy is affected by rampant scenes of outlandish sexual behavior which is passed-off as culturally acceptable, rises to a new level of “who didn’t know that?” Verification is a wonderful thing, but really . . . do we need to verify the rising sun each morning? (unless it doesn’t, and then what’s the point?)
We need to report as well that the poll was conducted over the phone and the pollsters spoke directly to teenagers. H-m-m-m, let’s see now, phones . . . teenagers . . . phones. Anyone detecting a polling anomaly here? Adolescents are evolutionarily –predisposed to do anything to stay on a phone. They will lie, cheat, steal, and lie again in order to never hang-up. Are pollsters really so gullible as to think they can discern anything from teenage responses?
Pollster: “Do sexy TV shows make you want to have sex and get pregnant?”
Teenage girl: “Yes! Totally! Is that the right answer? And, Janie, my girlfriend? She watches “Sex in the City” and she has sex all the time. Plus they have those cute costumes on “Dancing With the Stars”, and some of the dances are pretty hot, you know, and most of my friends have already had a baby from watching that show, and my boyfriend, Ron? He keeps asking me to watch “One Tree Hill” with him, while we drink some wine and take X which sounds so grown-up, don’t you think? Anyway . . .”
Pollster: “Never mind . . . .”

In conclusion, I think we have done some really great brainstorming on solving many of women’s sexual problems, as well as determining that polls are run by gullible idiots.